When I was doing the Positive Psychology course, one of the areas to ensure more happiness, was forgiveness. Happier people, according to research forgive more. This caused a furore of debate in the class. There were about 200 people in the lecture hall and one brave guy in his late 50’s, put up his hand and said “I will never forgive my ex-wife, I hate her.” There was a lot of muttering in the room, which sounded like agreement and many heads nodding in approval of, not only his braveness, but the notion that he should hold onto whatever wrong had occurred so that he did not have to expose himself to something similar again. A heavy debate in the classroom then began, with those for and against him forgiving his wife.

Many years ago I started reading books by authors like Louise Hay, I was introduced to them by a wonderful girl who worked for me in South Africa. Thanks, Lauren! Louise always says forgiveness is not about condoning the behaviour of the other person, it is about releasing yourself from the tyranny of whatever the incident that has happened. I am sure she says it better than that, but you get it…

I totally agree with this. You may never agree with what happened, but forgiveness is the ultimate act of loving yourself. You need never accept what has happened, but you may release yourself from the event through forgiveness. Forgiveness is about letting go, not about approving of the wrong.

Later at the coffee break, I happened to be in the lift with the guy who had said he hated his ex wife. I smiled at him and said “Brave move, you started quite a debate.” He shrugged his shoulders and said “Yeah, what’s your view?” I raised my eyebrows and sighed, “Not sure you want to hear this, I think you still love her,” I said this with trepidation. He frowned at me. I was really conscious that we had 11 floors to go and I had no way out!
“Why?” he said. “Well if you didn’t, you would be totally neutral about her and not really care, hate is just love in reverse, I think.” He looked at me and said “In 15 years I have never been able to admit that I still loved her. I adored her.” I said, “It seems to me you need to forgive yourself for loving someone who let you down. And there is nothing wrong with still loving her.” He smiled, the lift hit ground and we went our separate ways.

I think one of the hardest things to learn is forgiveness, whether it is of ourselves or someone else. It is part of the human condition to hold onto learnings as a mechanism of survival, but in the absence of forgiveness we are picking at scabs. The healing begins when we accept, not condone, acknowledge and still learn, but let go the negativity associated with whatever the hurt was.

So how do we teach our children this? Is it something you can only learn when you are a bit older? It is hard, when they want to get angry and hold onto things that you can see they should let go. Allowing them their own journey instead of trying to tell them what to do, to me is still the hardest part of parenting. Anyone have any wisdom on this?

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One of the things that limits our abilities to do something differently or be someone different, grow, change our habits, I think is “either / or” thinking. I see so many examples of that every day either in myself or others. We really need to get to a place where we can think “and” instead of “either/or.” Let me give you an example.

Last year, my husband, daughter and I were in South Africa. Even though my husband had lived in South Africa for 33 years, he had never been to Cape Town. I thought this was tragic as we have seen so much of the world, but not what was once our own back yard. He decided we would drive from Johannesburg, through the dry Karoo desert, into the lush Cape. I really wanted to say “either we fly or we don’t go”, instead I put my fears aside and agreed to “we go AND we drive.”

The drive was long, really long, but it was one of those times when you are cocooned in a bubble of steel, within a meter of each other and you just chat, read, nap, nibble on snacks and connect. I was facing a decision of leaving the Corporate world which had been really rewarding and taking a partnership in a business with two beautiful, talented human beings who have similar values to my own, but the risk equation was not lost on me. So we were sitting in the car and I was balancing the pro’s and con’s and pondering the choices, where it really was an “either/or” – either I stayed doing what I had always done, or I took a chance and did something different. We stopped at a Wimpy in the middle of nowhere and had some lunch. While we were waiting for our burgers, I said to my daughter, “That’s it, I am resigning and I am going to do this, watch this space, I am going to be really successful.” It was one of my tongue-in-cheek hypermanic moments and I did a wiggle and a grin. Her reaction was very different to what I thought, she rolled her eyes and said “Mum, that does not suit my plans.” I was confused. I did my “Huh” face. She said “Mum, I plan to have four children and I don’t need a successful granny in a suit, like the granny in “Two and a Half Men”. You need to be like my granny, crazy, funny, at home dancing with the broom.” I smiled at her. I know what she means. But we are a myriad of so many things, we are not “either/or,” some decisions definitely are “either/or” but when it comes to who we are, we have to put a big “and” in them. I do think, I can be the successful granny in the corporate business suit, who comes home dons the tracksuit and lives in the present with my grandchildren. Yet we limit ourselves and our loved ones so often by looking at everything through an “either/or” lens, forcing someone to be “either this or that.” Some of my best conundrums have been solved when I ask myself, “How can I do/be this “and” that – the out of the box thinking that happens and my own beliefs and prejudices that I have challenged, have left me in a different less judgmental zone and allowed me to make much more compassionate decisions about myself and the choices my family want to make.

So today, I challenge you, put your black and white pencils aside and allow yourself to use all the coloured crayons in your toolkit, give yourself or someone you love the power to add an “and”…

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I love all music. The fact that we as humans can create something that touches our souls in a note or two, blows me away. One of my favourite pieces of music is Tchaikovsky’s Piano Concerto #1. The amount of times I have driven in my car, with this music, so loud, that I have felt it in every cell of my body, is too numerous to count. I have had grandpas grin at me, when parked next to me at the traffic lights, laughing at the fact that there is a “doof, doof” happening in the car next to them, but that the music is not “doof, doof” music.

I also think orchestras are such a wonderful metaphor for team work. The most humble instrument, like a triangle, if missing from a piece, can make the piece feel incomplete. At work, I have often spoken of the fact that everyone in the team plays a role and it might only be an occasional clash of the cymbals, but without it the piece is not the piece. And when the team plays out of harmony, the sound can be excruciating, but in harmony and balance, respecting each others’ pauses and silences and getting the timing right, the piece can move mountains. I have loved working in teams where the music, the precision and timing has been awesome and the outcome and delivery superb.

It is why I choose my music so carefully on the train in the mornings, it sets the tone for my day, it reminds me that even if I am just a tiny triangle in the piece, it is key to what is being done. Or even if I am the solo pianist, leading the piece, without the orchestra, I am just a lone piano. When it all comes together with the backing of the orchestra it is fantastic! We are inter dependant, we need each other to succeed and directing our intentions and approaching life with compassion and gratitude, makes for some beautiful music…

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I know, one Martini is not always enough. Just in case you don’t get how awesome and different this band is, here is a leeeetle bit more, just one for the road….

And one more…

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On Tuesday night my husband and I went to the Regent Theatre in Melbourne to see Pink Martini, an eclectic jazz, fusion band from Portland, Oregon. They were playing with the Melbourne Symphony Orchestra, so it was a double treat. Or a triple one, because I got out on a school night with hubby? I love the variety of their music, their creativty and playfulness. They are a fantastic example of authenticity, knowing who they are, what they are good at, but are not shy to “borrow” what is good and beautiful, acknowledge the source and embellish it. They are natural on stage and you can really see they love what they do. In coaching leaders, I often talk about how to be more successful. Without a doubt, to me one of the ingredients of success is doing what you love and are good at, and doing it your way, with integrity and passion. Pink Martini is such a good example of that.

The song I have attached here is “Splendour in the Grass” where they sing like the Carpenters and add in a piece of Tchaikovsky’s Piano Concerto #1 in B Flat minor. That particular piano concerto is one of my favourite piano pieces. So having them playfully add it in and spice it up was an added delight.

If you get the chance to buy one of their albums, go to a concert or just want to google them on youtube, do it, you won’t be disappointed!

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