I hate going around in circles. Yet we all do quite often. If we analyse the patterns of our arguments they often have the same theme. Year 12 with my daughter has been an intense experience, but definitely one that I think has made us closer. She is not difficult, she is sweet and receptive, still likes hugs, which I believe to be unusual in teenagers and she doesn’t exclude me from her life, as lots of teenagers do. So you would think that it would be fine and 99 percent of the time it is.

But every now and again, we do this intense tango, which has dramatic lights, action and music about a few issues. There are times where despite my better judgement, I cannot contain my opinions, advice or guidance (my positive spin on it). Regardless of how well she is or isn’t doing, my reactions, arguments or anxieties remain the same. This led me over the last few days to ask, how many of these things are my issues rather than hers and should I just dig deeper on what is making me anxious even when everything seems okay?

Often I think it is our own unresolved issues that influence our perceptions and get vocalised in the heat of an argument. Projecting these onto the innocent or not quite so innocent bystander, allowing them to feel a disproportionate amount of emotion on whathever the topic is.

This happens with our husbands, our friends and families, but with our children, it dawned on me that there is another layer of complexity. From the moment my daughter was born, I took my role of protecting her from any negative experience extremely seriously. I haven’t always succeeded at that, but my intentions were always in the right place. This protection, I think is mandatory from a safety and character shaping point of view. It is especially critical when they are small and cannot see the risks or need their values imprinted, but there does come a point where we need to let our children learn and take responsibility for their lives. Some of my own best learnings have come from my worst mistakes and have, in hindsight, been my best character shaping experiences. So why do I fear letting her experience the fullness of being human and all the positive and negative experience that goes with it?

I have had to ask myself often and honestly, are these my issues or are they her issues? Is seeing her go through the same experiences I went through, pushing my own buttons or insecurities or am I genuinely just crazily worried for her? I have always prided myself in trying to work my own achievements for myself and not putting undue pressure on her for me to “succeed through her.” She needs to own her achievements and I need to own mine. Can we share the joy of these together? Absolutely, but can I live through her? Absolutely not! My “aha” moment was that when I was giving birth, it was deep breaths, relax and push, now that she is an adult, for me, it must be deep breaths, relax, don’t push!

So as exams loom, I am going to try to hold her with an open hand. I am there for her, but I cannot hold her too tightly and control her outcomes. I know she will do the best she can. I will feed her, water her, bring her what she needs, be there for the chats, the sighs and the pressure, but deal with my own fears and hope and pray that it all works out the way it is intended. Love you, Bub, good luck!

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Tanya Uncategorized